


5 Times Azimio Tried to Find Dave a Date

by QueSeraAwesome



Category: Glee
Genre: Friendship, Good Intentions, Insensitive but well-meaning azimio, M/M, Season 3 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 05:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1498027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueSeraAwesome/pseuds/QueSeraAwesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Azimio decides to try and find Dave a boyfriend. This would be a lot easier if he could actually find some gay guys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Times Azimio Tried to Find Dave a Date

Azimio Adams is a good best friend. Shit, he’s a great best friend. He put up with everything Dave could dish out during his gigantic-breakdown-of-what-the-fuck last year. He’s dealt with downright creepiness, violence that even he found unsettling, (and he’s slushied a wheelchair kid) and mood swings worthy of his oldest sister’s pregnancy. He stood by Dave even when he was sure one or both of them were going to end up in prison for it. And that’s _before_ the dude even came out.

And he stood by Dave when he came out to him. He’s still surprised Dave decided to tell him that early on. Dave didn’t know that Azimio’s cousin had come out to the family that Easter. No way the dude was sure that he’d be ok with it, but he was. That summer before senior year he played videogames with Dave for hours after his counseling sessions ‘cause dude had a lot of anger, or stared at the TV mindlessly with him when the sessions left him quiet. He put up with texts like, “dude i juus gt namd fave bear cub o f nigt at beareoke gotta crown” at three in the morning when Dave’s dad hauled him off on the “Find Your Gay” trip to California or whatever they were calling it. When Azimio had called him back to demand that Dave _never_ text him about shit he didn’t understand at three when he had to be up at six, Dave had been too happy and drunk to yell at, really. So he’d yelled at the dude Dave was running around the Castro with instead.

(He was Dave’s dad’s gay friend’s son or some shit, and he was straight to boot, and Dave was somewhere between tipsy and drunk in a way Azimio would call adorable if he were not Azimio, because he’d picked up the phone saying “Az! Azazazaz I gotta crown ‘cause I sang so good and it’s like prom but better ‘cause no one got their feelings hurt about it and this time I got to dance!” and Az had told the fool to give the phone to the responsible adult.)

He stood by Dave when he came out at school, when he was sure they were gonna get their asses beat by the football team, and the hockey team, and probably circle around to Ben Israel by the time they were done (and was happy when they mostly weren’t). He went to PFLAG and messed with Berry, at least until she got kicked out the first time, and then when she was reinstated, and then rinse, repeat. He’s even learned some stuff, like how thinking there’s a “girl” and a “dude” in every gay relationship is totally wrong. He knows it means a lot to Dave that he doesn’t have to walk into PFLAG alone. He’s got Dave’s back on the football field, and at PFLAG, and in the hallways. Nothing’s really changed except the amount that they interact with the Glee kids. They’re not that bad. Some of them, at least.

Which leads him to his point. His original point. Azimio is a damn good friend. And Dave Karofsky has never been kissed, for real. Kurt and that bartender and the drag queen don’t count. His boy needs a boyfriend.

And Azimio’s going to help him find one.Now all he needs is to find some gay guys.

 

1\. Glee

The problem is there’s not many out people in Lima, Ohio, and if there were any at McKinley, he’d probably know about it. He is in PFLAG after all. And it’s a bust. Besides Dave, Az, and a varying number of Glee club members, there’s only a few people from around school with gay relatives and one chick who’d walked into the third meeting and burst into tears before saying she might possibly maybe be bi.

But then he starts to think. He doesn’t _know_ that the Glee guys aren’t gay. They could totally use supporting Hummel as a cover. He’s always wondered about Puck, it’s not hard to imagine he’s an equal-opportunity guy, really. And Mike may be dating Tina since forever, but Dave’s always known that girl’s a little freaky. Like Rick James Super Freak freaky. Ya never know. Dude could be bi. All the dudes could be bi.

And that is how Azimio finds himself knocking on the Glee Club door while Mr. Shue is tied up with the copier. He knocks because he wants to get on their good side, they aren’t going to admit to any bi-ness if he just barges in. That’s rude. He’d do this at PFLAG, but there’s something off about grilling people about their sexuality in a safe space, so he decided against that. Also, not all the glee guys come to PFLAG and he wants to cast his net as wide as possible. His first thought is that he’s so glad Hummel and Berry aren’t here. He explains the situation in what he thinks is the simplest way possible.

“Dave needs a boyfriend. So, basically, I need to know if any of y’all’s gay. Or bi. The dudes, I mean.”

They stare. He holds his ground. Santana starts laughing. It goes uphill in volume, and more generally downhill from there.

“What the fuck-”

“I have a girlfriend!”

“If you’re trying to sabotage our relationship-”

“Why would you even?”

“Just because I dye my hair -”

“I was drunk.”

Everyone turns to look at Puck. He shrugs.

“What? Girls get drunk and make out all the time. And it gets them laid.”

“That’s awful.” Fabray says, nose wrinkling in disgust.

“Worked for me.”

“Yeah, it did.” Lauren chips in.

Azimio closes his eyes. He’d thought he’d repressed those memories of finding Puck and Lauren in flagrante delsexico when they were supposed to be Bullywhipping (ok, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but they were definitely rounding second base and headed for home) but apparently he’s not as good at repressing things as he thought he was.

“Does Davey know you’re doing this?” Santana asks with a look of fiendish calculation. Santana scares him, so he decides to tell the truth.

“Nope, and let’s keep it that way.”

He glances at his watch, wondering how far he can push this. He’s convinced Dave that Beiste wants to see him and he should knock on her door and wait, ‘cause she might be talking to another coach, but she’ll be back. Beiste left the parking lot ten minutes ago. Dave worships the ground Beiste walks on, so he’ll be a little bit, but Azimio’s his ride home and he has to come find him sometime and he doesn’t want to hinge his bets on Dave’s patience.

“Can I just get a yes or no from y’all? ‘Cause I -”

“No!”

“I’m bisexual. Does that help?” Brittany asks.

“Thanks,” he says it with a smile, because a) he likes Brittany, she can always be counted on to ask stupider questions than him, and b) Santana will straight up murder him, “but I’m pretty sure Dave’s allergic to your jelly, if you know what I mean.”

Brittany nods, as if this makes perfect sense, when he’s pretty sure it doesn’t. This is why he likes Brittany. Also, she was his first.

“You know, it’s pretty rude to just demand people tell you their sexual orientation,” Blaine says, and fuck, why didn’t he check for the hobbit before he started this? Now he’s definitely going to be in trouble with Hummel. And that shit is so not funny. Berry’s fun to piss off, hell, most people are fun to piss off, but Hummel can be a Bitch, capital B, and probably has the power to ruin his life right now in between running PFLAG, kicking for football, and tutoring him in French.

“Yeah, I know it’s rude. That’s why I’m not doing this in PFLAG,” he replies.

Blaine looks at him like he’s finding it difficult to accept that he exists.

“Why do you get to go to PFLAG and I don’t?” he asks.

“Because your ability to getting large groups of people to do stupid things due to your charm and good intentions should be respected and feared,” Kurt says, passing Azimio and seating himself in the seat beside Blaine, and fuck fuck _fuck_ where did he come from? “What are we talking about?”

Incoming missile. Abandon ship. Mission failure! Retreat!

“Last chance?”

“NO!”

“What’s Azimio doing here?” Rachel asks, coming in the door.

Azimio flees. He’s almost made it all the way down the hallway before he hears the combined shrill of Hummelberry’s “HE WHAT!?”

Glee Club: Failure. It’s probably for the best, there’s way too much history there for a good relationship with Dave. He skips the next PFLAG meeting, ‘cause everyone’s mad at him.

 

2\. Theater

His next stop is the theater kids. There’s surprisingly little overlap between Glee and Theater. While they tend to throw the odd musical, Glee never seems to delve into theater much further than that, leaving the department relatively unscarred by their insanity. Azimio’s grateful for this, because he doesn’t want any interferences with his plans.

It’s like a spy mission. Bourne Supremacy shit. Except instead of shooting the targets, he’s going to throw them at Dave.

He signs up to be in backstage crew. He lasts three days.

The first day goes well. He helps the tiny girl running the spotlight to get the thing up on the stand before even knows what he’s supposed to be doing. Who knew you needed batshit artistic people and baddass strong people both to put on theater? It’s like football, you need big dudes like Dave and Azimio on the line and fast dudes for running back, and dudes with killer arms like Evans and tiny dudes like Hummel to kick. He wasn’t actually sure what crew entailed- he had been mentally preparing himself for some really weirdo shit, like super-Glee, so now he’s relieved that all anybody wants him to do is move around furniture and gigantic canvases.

Also, the name of the play is Usher. _Awesome_.

Theater also needs organized people, and that’s where Chris comes in. Chris is the stage manager and in charge of trying to herd all of the different people to the right places and make sure everyone knows what to do when. He carries a clipboard that he was probably born with, and couldn’t be pried off. Chris takes one look at him and says “Thank god. Go find the biggest guy wearing a crew shirt you can find and make him help you move that set onto the stage.”

Thus, his job description is best described as: moving shit around.

The second day does not go as well. He learns that the play has nothing to do with Usher. It’s House of Usher, like, Edgar Allen Poe; not Usher, like, baby tonight dj got us fallin in love again.

Disappointment does not begin to sum up his feelings on this.

Then one of the leads comes to practice high as a kite, and late, and the director kicks him out of the show a week before opening. Luckily, they double cast the two leads, but the chick lead paired with him makes herself sick worrying because she hasn’t practiced with the other guy lead and this will ruin _everything_. Azimio does not understand, but everyone seems pretty upset.

And then there’s the sex. And the cheating. He never bothered to keep up with Glee, but the level of incestuous love quadrangles (he has no idea what a quadrangle is, but it sounds like it has a lot of sides, you get the point) going on in the theater department is dizzying. On the third day Chris tries to explain it to him as they’re hammering a backdrop together.

“Adam, the lead for Saturday, is going out with Chelsea, who plays the character with a crush on the lead character. Except everyone knows Adam’s been flirting with Melissa, who just broke up with Cameron, who plays Edgar. Pass me a few more nails?”

“Is Edgar the creepy bus driver or the creepy Uncle Usher?” Azimio asks. He scoots the can full of nails over to Chris with his shoe.

“Creepy bus driver. Anyway, so Cameron’s broken hearted, and Anna’s completely trying to get into his pants. Chelsea doesn’t know about Adam and Melissa, which is good ‘cause she’s gonna flip a shit when she finds out. Mandy, the female lead for Friday, was going out with Taylor, the dude who came in high yesterday, but apparently she broke up with him after he got kicked out and now she’s rebounding on Dan, who’s Adam’s little brother, and who’s going out with Anna.”

“Dude, that’s insane. What happens if they all flip out right before the performance?” Azimio asks. The shit seems to happen to Glee all the time, no way he’s spending a few weeks moving gigantic backdrops and sets if they’re just gonna crash and burn. Usher would not approve, even if he has nothing to do with this play.

Chris shrugs.

“Dunno. Show must go on, and all that. We’ll make it.”

Azimio glances at the stage where the actors are rehearsing, trying to remember who’s dating who. Ben Israel would eat this shit up. And that’s when it occurs to him. His primary mission.

“Are you telling me that in that fuck-web of a cast, there isn’t at least one bi dude?”

Chris stares at him.

“I’m trying to help a friend find a date.”

Chris stares a little more.

“Yes. I mean, no. None of them are bi. Is that the only reason you joined crew?”

Azimio puts down his hammer.

“Fuck this shit. I got enough extra-curriculars.”

So Azimio walks out. 

 

3\. Cheerios

Ok, no gleeks, no theater nerds. His next bet is the Cheerios.

Because, dude, male cheerleaders, right? And Dave’s a football jock, he deserves a cheerleader, it’s like a law or something. No one gets to deprive his boy just because he’s gay. Besides, if Hummel gets a cheerleader boyfriend, Dave should too. It’ll make football harder with two team members distracted by their bouncing cheering boyfriends on the sidelines, but it’s a sacrifice they’ll just have to make.

He’s feeling pretty good about this idea until he gets caught sneaking around Cheerios practice by the hobbit.

“You wanna explain why you’re hiding behind the bleachers during our practice?” Blaine asks, tapping his foot at him and Azimio just knows this guy’s judging him. “Just, please tell me you’re not trying to get a peek up the girls’ skirts, all right? ‘Cause if you are, I’m going to let Sylvester get you and she’s scary when she’s mad.”

Scary when she’s mad, he wants to say, no shit, dumbshit, I been going to this school way longer than you, you don’t even KNOW Sue Sylvester mad.

What he does say is “I need to talk to the dude cheerleaders.”

Hobbit raises one of his horrible eyebrows at him.

“The non-taken dude cheerleaders.”

This time both of hobbit’s eyebeasts rise.

“Is this still about finding Dave a date?”

And this time Azimio really does lose it a bit.

“Of course it’s about finding Dave a date, why else would I be _making an ass of myself all over Lima?_ ”

“Whoah, calm down. I’ll make it easy for you. Will and Travis both have girlfriends, Randy has an on again off again relationship with a girl on the softball team, Alex is a manwhore- for women,” he clarifies when Azimio’s eyes light up momentarily. “None of the guys are gay. None of the guys are even here by choice, except me. Sue forces athletes from the unpopular sports who can’t make the grades normally to join cheerios in their off seasons. We’ve got two wrestlers, a soccer player and one of the more butch golfers down there.”

“Fucking great.” Azimio grouches. He’s entitled to grouching by now. “I thought gay people were supposed to be ten percent of the population. Why can’t I find any?”

“You know it’s not that simple, right?” Hobbit asks, and now he looks a mix of annoyed and concerned. “All gay people don’t like each other any more than all straight-“

“Yeah, yeah, I know, cut the lecture. I’m in PFLAG, I get it, but I gotta start somewhere-”

“CAREY GRANT.” Sylvester shouts into a bullhorn. “WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO UP THERE?”

“I suggest you run.” Blaine says, but Azimio was gone before the bullhorn left Sylvester’s lips, trying to form his next plan of attack.

Who the fuck is Carey Grant? 

 

4\. Home Economics

Azimio is rapidly running out of ideas. He tried the gym at the YMCA (that song had to mean something, right?) but it was mostly old guys, and, just, no. And the weight room at school is usually occupied by football players, but after what happened when Dave came out he really doesn’t want to push that either.

So, currently, he’s trying to find the Home Economics classroom. He’s not entirely sure what Home Economics actually entails, he just knows it’s located in what the jock population of the school calls “The Lady Wing.” He doesn’t exactly spend a lot of time over here, so he’s kinda lost. He just got kicked out of the Economics classroom by Fabray’s steely glare of doom, so he’s guessing Economics and Home Economics are not the same thing.

Thing is, some of the teachers don’t actually care about who shows up for class or not. By the middle of the year they just guess that any unfamiliar faces that show up must be that kid that never shows up. Because of this, Azimio has been addressed as “Mr. Puckerman” more times than he can count when crashing classes. He makes it two steps into the foods class before he spies Hummel and backpedals out before he’s seen. He doesn’t actually know if Kurt’s still mad at him because he hasn’t gotten close enough to find out. Instead, he ducks into the classroom across the hall just as the bell rings.

Unfortunately, the class appears to consist of a bunch of chicks and Puckerman. The teacher glares at him so he takes the seat next to Puck and pretends like he belongs here.

“Puckerman, what class is this?” he mutters as soon as the teacher’s back is turned.

“Childcare and Development, what the fuck’re you doing here?”

“I’m trying to find Home Economics.”

“Still tryna find Karofsky a date?”

Azimio nods.

“Well, I hate to break it to you, dipshit, but Home Economics is a department, not a class.”

Azimio sits there in silence, completely ignoring the teacher’s lecture on why they’re called “The Terrible Twos.” This is bullshit. Everything is conspiring against him. This is when he realizes that Puckerman is actually, like, taking notes. And paying attention.

“Dude, did you actually choose to take this?”

Puckerman gives him what he probably thinks is a scary scowl. It’s negated by the fact that he’s kind of blushing. Also, Azimio totally saw him tearing up that time PFLAG went to the screening of Shelter in Columbus. He’s not fooled. Or scared.

“Shut the fuck up, Azimio,” Puck mutters.

Azimio sighs and tunes back out. So Home Economics doesn’t exist. And the only two guys he’s been able to find in The Lady Wing are Hummel and Puck.

He’s still not convinced that Puckerman isn’t bi. But whatever, Lauren would totally kick Dave’s ass if he tried anything.

 

5\. Dalton/Warblers

This is stupid, Azimio thinks after the bell finally rings and he can leave Puckerman and Childcare and Development behind. Hummel managed to find himself a guy (even if Azimio suspects he was rifling through the clearance rack on that one). What’s Azimio doing wrong?

As if on cue, Kurt walks down the opposite side of the hallway talking to Blaine and Azimio scowls. He decides to purposely ignore them. This plan backfires when his ignoring goes unnoticed. They’re too busy excitedly discussing some invitational some people called the Garglers are putting on, and what the hell is a Gargler? Oh yeah, that’s Blaine’s old glee group, back at _hold the motherfucking phone_. Dalton.

Dalton’s like gay Hogwarts, he’s heard them say it a million times. It’s the place where Kurt went to hide from Dave when Dave was threatening to go the bunny boiling route (and by bunny, he means Hummel). It’s the place that spawned Kurt’s hobbit. Perfect.

He does some digging about this invitational and it’s like a message from above. Dalton’s throwing a show choir shindig for the choirs in the area- no competition, just fun. It’s really just an excuse for the choirs to sing together and compliment each other. The important part is that Dalton is opening its doors to the general public. Its doors; leading to lots of potential gay guys lured in by the safety of the zero-tolerance bullying policy. He just needs to find a way for them to get there.

This is accomplished by showing the football team Crawford County Day glee club’s youtube channel, specifically their performance of “Yeah!” from last year’s Nationals, and mentioning that they’ll be at the event. Suddenly there’s a team carpool getting set up. Luckily, Dave’s pretending like he’s not ecstatic about going, which is a relief. Azimio’s not quite sure he could convincingly detail the benefits of going to a glee club concert with a straight face without the benefit of hot schoolgirls dancing around singing Usher. Dave wouldn’t be interested in that anyway.

*

“Dude, are you sure this is the way to the auditorium?” Dave asks, puffing up the stairs behind him.

“Totally sure. We should be almost there,” Azimio lies. Ok, they’re probably on the fourth floor right now. Kurt met Blaine while lost coming down a staircase. But Dalton’s built funny and not all the staircases make it all the way to the top, because of additions being built on or some shit. They have something called a half floor, which is like the stupidest thing ever.

“Dude, I don’t think this is right. We’re going to miss the performance.”

“Balcony seats, man,” Azimio says, turning left and going up another staircase. “We’ll be right by the stage.”

Dave sighs behind him.

“Whatever, man.”

Awesome. That should be enough stairs. Also, Dave has the direction sense of a goldfish that’s spent its entire life in a bowl and is suddenly flushed down the toilet. He’ll have to ask someone for directions. And then presto change-o, prep school boyfriend. Azimio hopes he won’t be as annoying as Blaine. And taller. Now to ditch Dave. He ducks into an empty classroom as Dave’s still making it up the steps. Dave passes him up and continues up the steps, probably thinking Azimio’s continued on ahead of him. Success. Then he books it back to the auditorium, because, hello, schoolgirl skirts. Maybe he’ll get something out of this too. He gets to his seat just as they’re starting to perform. His phone buzzes at him a few times during the performance, but he ignores it. He’s a bit distracted. Dave manages to find his way back to the auditorium right before Glee’s supposed to go. Azimio tries not to look excited- Dave looks way too pissed at him.

“Dude, why didn’t you answer your phone?!” Dave snarls at him, “I got lost somewhere on the sixth floor! There’s no balcony! I nearly ended up in the dorm section!”

_Awesome._

“Sorry about that man, we musta gotten separated. Did you meet anyone?”

“What? No, finally I just started heading down staircases and then followed the signs.”

Shit.

“So no one stopped to give you directions? Offered to show you the way?”

“No, dude, what’s wrong with you? I almost missed our guys because of you!”

And then Berry’s approaching the mic and they have to shut up.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are the New Directions!”

She flounces to the back as the footballers snicker to each other. Nude Erections. Heh. Then, Sam comes forward on guitar to take the solo. Azimio’s eyes glaze over. Glee is so boring. He tries to get Dave’s attention to ask what damn fool song they’re supposed to be singing but the dude, honest to god, swats his arm.

“Shut up, Az,” he hisses. “I’m trying to listen.”

Azimio totally does not pout for the rest of the exhibition.

He cannot believe Dalton failed him. Just to spite him Glee and the Warblers sing a song together because they’re such great fucking friends. Kurt and Blaine sing lead. He hates them.

Later that night at the after party at Santana’s house he nurses his failure with a Bud. It’s not till the swarm of navy jackets floods in that he realizes his mistake.

Kurt found himself a Warbler. None of the Warblers were running around the halls back at Dalton, they’re all back stage doing whatever it is Glee people do before they go on stage. There’s still hope. They could still be gay!

He scans the room, trying to figure out his plan of attack. He should probably start with an obviously straight Warbler so they don’t think he’s trying to hit on them. Okay, which Warbler looks obviously straight?

Ok…This is going to be harder than he thought.

Not the one with the rich-boy version of a bowl cut. Not the blonde, he made a bee-line for Kurt the second he got here and is currently listening with rapt attention to whatever Kurt’s talking to him about. He spots a stern looking Asian who, while not wearing a Dalton uniform, is clearly one of them. As if on cue, he’s approached by Santana. He takes the drink she offers him, smiling gratefully, and also takes an eyeful of Santana walking away in her very short, tight dress. Definitely straight. A couple Warblers catcall him when he takes a drink.

“Shut up!” he says, laughing. “I’m not your leader anymore, I can drink what I want!”

The leader, eh. He’s about to make a move, but then Karofsky grabs him for beer pong and Brittany is waaaasted and wants to dance, and hey, he’s not saying no to that. He doesn’t let her dance too dirty with him, though, because Santana could enter the room at any minute and then he would die. Santana has a fine line between, “wanky” and “jealous.” It’s an awesome dance though, because, yeah, drunk Brittany, but when it’s over he returns her to Santana’s lap in the kitchen before seeking out Grumpy Warbler Asian. Grumpy Warbler Asian is now just drunk enough to be conversational. Now if only he’d use simple words, like most drunk people do.

“Oh, I used to be a Warbler,” GWA says. “Until I graduated. I sat on the council.”

“That’s nice,” he says, “With Dalton’s anti-bullying stuff you must get a lot of gay guys,”

GWA’s forehead screws up in thought. “That would be the hypothesis one would conjecture, but it’s counterintuitive in reality,” he says, “Blaine was our only one.”

“You gotta be shitting me,”

“I assure you I am not defecating,” GWA says, raising his hand like he’s gonna take an oath.

“There’s no gay guys in the Warblers.” Azimio repeats.

“Negative.”

“You’re sure,” he says. This cannot be real. “No one’s even bi?”

“Nope. Blaine was our only gay.” He sounds pretty mournful about it. “He was our favorite.”

“That’s nice,” Azimio says sourly, getting up and walking away. He needs another drink.

“Tell me you didn’t just ask Wes what I think you did,” someone says behind him. Hobbit. Fuck.

He turns slowly. Blaine looks mostly amused, so he decides to push it.

“What about Blondie over there?” he asks, motioning towards Kurt’s captivated audience. “You sure he’s not gay?”

Kurt give him the bitch glare so he knows he heard him. Blondie seems unfazed. Kurt get up and leads him to another part of the house, undoubtedly away from Azimio and his stupid well-intentioned efforts to get his friend laid. Why does everyone have to judge him for trying to do something nice for once?

“Jeff?” Blaine asks. “No, he’s just romantic. He thinks Kurt and I are the real life equivalent to the Notebook, or Moulin Rouge. It’s a little disturbing, actually.”

Azimio’s seen the Notebook. He had to watch it with his sister ever time she broke up with a boyfriend, and then she would cry. Blaine is no Noah, for one thing he could never pull off the scruffy look. And he’s pretty sure Moulin Rouge is that fancy French titty bar, so he’s really not sure how that applies to Kurt and Blaine’s relationship. That’s not somewhere he wants to let his brain dwell, so he latches on to the first thing he remembers to steer the conversation away.

“Why’d Sylvester call you Carey Grad?”

“Carey Grant,” Blaine corrects, and deflection complete. “It’s like how she calls Kurt Porcelain. Though lately she’s been calling us Clark Gable and Joan Crawford when she sees us together, and I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or an insult, but either way Kurt gets mad.”

Azimio stares. Eventually the pleasant expression melts off Blaine’s face.

“I did not understand one word of that, but I really do not care.”

“You asked!” Blaine snaps and _ooo_ , Hobbits do feel emotions more negative than ‘judging you’.

“I didn’t know you were gonna write me a freaking book!”

“Santana!” Blaine yells, and for a minute Azimio thinks he’s going to try to get him kicked out. “I changed my mind, pour me something strong!”

“Make it a hurricane, before you go insane!” A Warbler sings from the other side of the room and none of these guys are normal, are they? Thank God none of them are actually gay.

“You sure about that?” Santana asks before appearing in the doorway. “Your boy won’t be too happy if we end up on stage dueting Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang.”

“That was one time,” Blaine grumbles before pushing past her into the kitchen. Santana laughs and slings an arm around him. Azimio has never understood that friendship and doesn’t want to. He also resolves to hear that story sometime, he bets Hummel was pissed and Hummel being pissed at other people is hilarious, and not scary, like when it’s directed at him.

So in the final inning, Glee is a failure, theater is a failure, cheerios is a failure, Home Ec is a failure, and Dalton is a failure. If he were Jason Bourne, he would be dead right now. Statistically, something is clearly wrong here.

What he needs is a sure thing.

 

+1

Azimio shuts his locker with a sigh. This is it. There’s nothing for it. He’s going to have to take Dave to a gay bar. He’d been hoping to avoid this. But if he can’t find a gay guy in a gay bar, well, he can’t say he didn’t try every option. He bangs his head against the locker and closes his eyes. It doesn’t help.

“Dude, what’s wrong with you?” Dave’s voice asks.

 _You’re what’s wrong with me,_ he wants to say. _I’m going to have to go to a gay bar and it’s **all your fault**._

But when he opens his eyes Sam’s standing there too, so he doesn’t.

“Nothing,” he says. “We ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Dave says, “We gotta give Sam a ride home too.”

They talk about the next football game on the way to the car, but just as they get there Azimio realizes he forgot his jacket during all his angst on the impending Lady Gaga coming into his life.

“Hold on, guys, forgot my jacket. Be right back,” he says, turning around to jog back to school. “And I call fucking shotgun, so don’t pull that shit on me, Evans!”

He retrieves his jacket and takes his time getting back to the car. As he’s walking through the parking lot he peers as best he can into Dave’s car. Sam’s in the back. Good. Dude knows his place, maybe he isn’t so stupid after all, even if he is in Glee. Not that he has anything against Evans. He’s pretty solid for a Glee kid. He almost regrets slushying him last year, as much as he regrets slushying anyone really. Dave’s turned around in the front seat talking to Sam, and Sam’s grinning with that huge mouth of his and then Sam’s leaning in and Dave’s hand is coming up to cup Sam’s jaw and why would he even do that and Holy. Mother. Of. Fucking. Hell.

Dave’s kissing Evans.

Evans is kissing back.

Dave’s fingers are in blond hair. How did he miss this? Wait a minute. Wait a goddamn minute.

He did all of that for nothing.

Oh my god he talked to the hobbit voluntarily for _nothing_.

Him and Dave need to have words.

Dave has a boyfriend. Or at least a fuckbuddy, but he didn’t think Evans would be up for that, but then again he dated Santana. How did he not hear about this?

And they’re still _kissing_.

He now has two choices. He can approach the car anyway and chronically embarrass all three of them. He can just stand here and wait, but one of them might see him, and _awkward_. Or he can go inside and give it five minutes and hope they get it out of their systems. Luckily, during his panicked deliberations they separate, just sitting there with their foreheads pressed together and _this is even worse_. Sam says something and Dave laughs then, loud enough that Az can hear it, the way he hasn’t really for the last year. Azimio almost finds himself smiling at that, but this is still really goddamn confusing. Dave turns around in his seat, so Azimio figures it’s safe to approach the car.

“Found it,” he says, holding his jacket aloft and praying he sounds normal. “Thanks for waiting, guys.”

“No prob,” Dave says.

They pull out of the parking lot and Dave starts a conversation on the English homework with Sam, which Azimio ignores because he has a crisis on his hands. Instead he opts to hopefully subtly watching them and staring out the window. He watches them watch each other in the rear view mirror. He never thought much about Sam and Dave always doing their English homework together, he just thought they sucked at English, and weren’t smart enough not to take it senior year, like him. Now he wonders how much of that time they spend cooperatively sucking at English and how much time they spend sucking, oh ew. Gross.

Luckily, they’re at Sam’s place, so he doesn’t have to be in the car with both of them very long while he’s trying to scrub that thought out of his brain. Sam exits, thanking Dave and waving before heading up the steps to his family’s apartment. Dave kinda watches him go as he backs out of the parking space. Like, watches him go in a “baby I hate to see you leave but love to watch you go,” kind of way. Azimio frowns. He really should have seen this coming. Dave’s talking to him about something as they continue to his house, but Az isn’t really listening, just nods along, consumed in his thoughts. As they pull in to Azimio’s drive it’s something about football and Bieste and blah blah blah Azimio wants some answers, like, now.

“So how long have you been getting up on Mega Mouth?” Dave slams on the breaks and everything in the car sways.

“What- I’m not- We’re not- Why would you even think that?” Dave stammers and, damn, his boy is the worst liar ever under pressure.

“Boy, don’t lie to me,” Fuck, he sounds like his mother. “I saw you two. Just now. In this car. So I’ma repeat myself. How long you been getting it on with Sam?”

Dave honest to god blushes.

“We’re not ‘getting it on,’” he mumbles. “It’s…new. Well, I mean, It’s been heading that way for a while. I was gonna tell you at some point, but I didn’t want to look like an idiot if…It’s just...”

“New.”

“Yeah.”

Didn’t look new to Azimio. Just sayin’. Dave’s shooting him a look, like he’s worried about saying something and it’s really starting to piss him off.

“Dude, what?” Azimio asks, “You look like you’re gonna shit your pants.”

“Shut up!”

The car lapses back into silence.

“Are you mad at me?” Dave asks suddenly.

“What? No.” he responds, wondering where Dave’s getting this shit. Wait. “Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

Ok, now this is awkward and he doesn’t even know why. He opens his mouth to just fucking ask, ‘cause he doesn’t have any patience for this shit but Dave beats him to it.

“It’s just, you’re cool with this, right? With Sam? ‘Cause I know you’ve been cool about the whole, well, being gay thing, but this is kind of a doing gay thing and it’s ok if you’re weirded out.”

“Dude, I’m not weirded out. I’m a little confused, ‘cause I didn’t think Evans was the closet case type but whatever-“

“He’s bi,” Dave corrects, “And he’s out to the Glee club, but we don’t want the school finding out just yet. We kinda just wanted to have it for a bit before we have to deal with that shit, you know?”

Azimio gets it, really. He remembers his first real girlfriend back in eighth grade. He’d been so happy she’d actually said yes to going out instead of telling him to get lost, but he didn’t want to tell anyone yet. If he told the guys, well, he’d have to be a bro about it, and talk about her ass and her tits, and wouldn’t be able to talk about how her hands were really small and pretty. Sometimes a guy wants to be a boyfriend, no a bro.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” he says. “Only now I’m a little worried that one of us is gonna grow a set of ovaries if we keep talking about our feelings and shit.”

Dave huffs out a laugh and Azimio knows they’re ok, so he opens the door to finally get out.

“I just hope it’s you,” he continues, “that way you and Sam can go have lots of little gay babies together.”

“Dude!” Dave protests, turning bright red.

“You better hope they take after Evans,” Azimio tells him seriously, leaning against the window. “’Cause if they look like you I feel sorry for the poor kids.”

“Fuck off,” Dave says, laughing. “Get in your damn house already so I can leave.”

Azimio waves and heads up the drive.

“Hey dude! Bring Sam to the next Madden Night! Or don’t, I don’t give a shit.”

Dave honks and drives off and Azimio smiles. He hopes Dave brings Sam to Madden Night.

*

A few weeks later Sam goes down hard under three Spencerville linebackers, and is taken away in an ambulance. Dave loses his shit, right there on the football field, and Bieste has to take him out of the game before he hurts somebody, or himself. Everything, heh, _comes out after_ that. The first day Sam’s allowed back to school Dave’s waiting at his locker. Azimio watches from his.

“Hey,” Sam says, smiling .

“Hey.”

Oh my god. They act like they haven’t seen each other since the game, when Azimio knows for a fact that Dave was over every day after school. He heard about what happened when the Glee guys went to visit and found them cuddled on the couch. Now they’re just standing there, a little too close, small smiles on and Azimio has to break this shit up stat if he doesn’t want cavities. Either that or someone’s going to burst into song and he just can’t handle that this early in the morning. He’s going in.

“Dude, bell’s gonna ring,” he says, slapping Dave on the back.

So they go. Azimio stands by his shoulder and repeatedly elbows him til he gets the point and takes Sam's hand. If he's gone through all this hard work to find him a boyfriend, Dave's gonna show that shit off. While they all talk about the Buckeyes game last night. Ok, this isn’t what Azimio thought would happen when he started looking for a boyfriend for Dave, but when he thinks about it, this is probably the best of all possible worlds.

Things coulda been worse. He could have had to go to that gay bar.


End file.
